What It’s Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression

So the following is a post that I was shown earlier. All credit to Holly Everett. Thank you for giving insight to this hard to talk about topic. Here is a link to the original article.


 

JUNE 16, 2014

What It’s Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression

Holly Everett

“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.

My depression doesn’t care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh, tells me I’m beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more deeply for me than any other boy has. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we’re out in public. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when I’m having trouble sleeping, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, nine months into this relationship, “Wow, someone is in love with me.” I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws in chemistry.

This intense love is frightening, because every day, I fear that one more thing will push him over the edge. That one more time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him away. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him through my salty, blurred vision that it’s not his fault. I am often overcome with guilt and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. Some of our nights end in a tight hug and an “I’m sorry” mumbled from my lips, but I’m just thankful that he is still happy to wake up to me every morning. Every day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and not caring at all, wondering when he will have enough. He is quick to remind me how much he loves me, but I am just as quick to be overcome with crippling doubt. We both know that this is how forever will be, and if he hasn’t given up yet, I’m certain that he is 100% all in. Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you don’t love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more color. Never let anyone makes you feel bad about what you can’t always control. Someone will be in love with you regardless of your most comfortable state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to your favorite sad songs, then you have found true love.

Thought Catalog

“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.

My depression doesn’t care that I am in a…

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From my mouth to God’s ears

Have you ever thought of your heart’s innermost desires? What would you see if you look in the mirror of Erised found in JK Rowling’s fictional world? I’d like to think that the things I desire aren’t not far-fetched it out of my reach. It’s easy to allow yourself to believe that you aren’t worth these desires, I know I have. It takes time to start to believe that you were deserving of the happiness and love you long to feel.
I want someone to love me the way Gus loves Hazel. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to have a family. I want to be happy and never have to worry about whether or not I fit in. I want to drive a minivan of kids to lessons and practices. I want to write. I want to make my mark. When it’s all said and done, I want to be able to say I did everything I aspired to do. But you know how the saying goes… From my lips to Gods ears.

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Catch Me When I Fall

I decided to do a music challenge. I have made a writing playlist and hit shuffle. I do not know what will be played next, but I promise to write whatever comes to mind as I become inspired. Attached is the name of the song that leads to a video of the song that you should listen to while reading.


k&j1

Seriously best friends for life.

Catch Me When I Fall- Ashlee Simpson

 

Best friends are everything to me. Without Kristen , I don’t know if I would’ve even survived high school. We’ve been friends for about 7 years now and for every one thing we don’t have in common, we have about 8 more that we do. Like our love of Disney, the old episodes of Glee, Harry Potter, writing, and above all else God. She’s the person I stay up planning my future wedding with, since she will one day be a Disney wedding planner. I know that no matter how long we go without talking, and even though college tried to pull us apart my placing us in two very separate cities and in two very different schools, our friendship is far too strong for that. She’s joining me in Orlando for a semester for the college program.  I don’t think I could love this girl any more than I do. Especially as an only child, it’s hard always being alone. When this stunning girl walked into my life, I didn’t realize that sister I was getting. But it’s great to know that no matter what, in the same way I am there for her, I  know that Kristen will be the one to catch me when I fall.

k&j2

The Rachel to my Mercedes.

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Two Pieces

I decided to do a music challenge. I have made a writing playlist and hit shuffle. I do not know what will be played next, but I promise to write whatever comes to mind as I become inspired. Attached is the name of the song that leads to a video of the song that you should listen to while reading.


Two Pieces- Demi Lovato

There is someone for everyone. I thoroughly believe this. Sometimes that person is in the last place you’d look. I think every heart is broken up between two people who are truly meant to be. Neither will be complete until the connection between these two is restored. Until they are are reunited. Hence the term soul mates. I don’t know which way to go. I have no direction as to where my soul mate is, who is holding the other half of this broken heart. I have no coordinates to go by other than toward school. Maybe I’ll find my other/ fellow piece in nursing school.

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Never Been Hurt

I decided to do a music challenge. I have made a writing playlist and hit shuffle. I do not know what will be played next, but I promise to write whatever comes to mind as I become inspired. Attached is the name of the song that leads to a video of the song that you should listen to while reading.


Never Been Hurt-Demi Lovato

There is so much more to me than my past pains. My heart has been through so much that it’s scarred and calloused like the feet of children who play barefoot on hard rocky ground. The funny thing is, that even though all of this has happened, I still manage to love the next one more than he apparently loves me. I give so much of myself so dangerously. Without thinking of the consequences that could take place while I allow this new person into my heart to take the place of the old one. This all ends up putting in a worse place than I was before. But I never seem to realize or worry about that. I guess I’m so willing to give of myself. I put all of my eggs in one basket. I bet it all on the big one. I love like I’ve Never Been Hurt.

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Pressure to be Perfect

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If you know anything about me, you would know that I absolutely love Demi Lovato.  I admire how she is able to be open about her life issues and how she pretty much doesn’t care about what people think of her, as long as she is true to herself.

It’s finals week for a lot of colleges around the country, including mine. It’s a time where everyone is buzzing worried about GPA’s class standings and trying to get into that “PERFECT” program for their major. But with all of this comes an outstanding pressure that we put on ourselves. Trying to be perfect students. It’s only when we realize that everyone receives the same piece of paper, printed with the same ink, and signed by the same person at every school, that we can become comfortable with doing our best. Something that should be at the top of our minds. Remember that you reading this, are important, worthy and that you don’t have to be perfect. Just be the best you, you can be.

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Heartbreak hotel…

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You can’t let someone or a relationship define you. You can’t let a hurt heart take over the true person you are. I had my heart hurt today. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t have feelings for me. I can’t blame him for the disappointment I’m feeling. It just means I’m back to the list making of what I’m desiring in a husband and partner for life. It’s funny how in 12 hours I could go from singing “I Think I Love You” to “Don’t Speak” and how fast my emotions changed in that time too.
Just because you can see a future with someone doesn’t mean that they see the same. I had my first taste of this lesson when I was 15. The good news, guys are better at responding to unrequited love at 22 than they are at 16. The bad news, it still hurts just the same.
There isn’t a cure for the pain or the tears. But you also can’t let it deter and stunt your growth. Remember that you are bigger than this rejection, stronger than this pain, and braver that you were yesterday. With these encouraging words, and even more encouraging friends, this too shall pass, the pain will become minimal, and I’ll survive.

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