I want you to know that I am both happy and sad…


“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The idea of feelings is one that is very complex. Life is a gaggle of hues that are all layered one on top of the other in gradient pattern that make no logical sense. You can’t be just happy, or just sad… can you? Can you choose your emotions, or do you just emote? Society is willing to use the phrase you love who you love and you can’t choose how your heart feels. But what about our brains? Can we choose to be both happy and sad?

I know that despite the number of times I’ve tried to will myself out of bed, out of depression, out of sadness, I know that sheer will is not enough. That’s right I said depression. That word gets mishandled a lot. But I guess I’m in the clear to use it. You see, this past fall I was diagnosed with mild major depression. That’s fine, it’s an aspect of my life I’m not ashamed of. No one should be ashamed of their diagnoses. Once we can tear away at that shame, we can rid ourselves of the stigma surrounding mental health. But more on stigmas later.

Now is the time where my mind is focused on how my emotions and I function together. Are we together as one unit or are we separate entities dwelling in the same habitat? Although I’m older, I feel that I am in the same position as Charlie Kelmeckis. Trying to find myself. Who I am and how to survive this crazy thing called life.


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