Perfect Moments 

“Everything won’t always end up being perfect. That’s just not how life works. But there are perfect moments, and that’s what you live for.”
He wasn’t perfect for me, but he made me laugh. One of my favorite moments with him was at a local water park. While waiting for our friends, we sat on a bench. It was that awkward part in a budding friendship. You don’t know each other very well, but you somehow find yourself alone. This could be completely awkward, or totally normal, and therefore being a huge moment for us. There was a bird, and sun. The words said have faded, but the laughter has not. We laughed about nothing, we laughed at each other. We just laughed. They thought we were crazy, but we weren’t. We were just connecting. From that moment on, I knew you’d be the one to make me laugh, even though I didn’t want to. 
He wasn’t perfect for me, but he pushed me. Of course not physically, but being a Disney girl, there were of course rides I avoided. Rides that he enjoyed. Rides that I now go on all the time whether he’s there or not. He broke that ice, and although that drop isnt always satifactual, I know I’ll live. 

He wasn’t perfect for me, but he’s genuine and real. Like clearly he’s a real human being and I’m not making that up, I see him at least once a week, he’s real. But more than that he’s a real person. With hurts and a story. He’s more than just a glorified prize on a pedestal I could never reach. Instead he was my level, never making me feel bad about who I was or where I’d been. Or my past hurts or lack of good coping skills. Although I know he doesn’t know what to say when I tell him about my depression, he at least listens and that is more than enough for me. 

He wasn’t perfect for me, but he taught me compromise in competition. I know if he reads this, and hasn’t figured out by now that he is the him I’m talking about, he will now. There are certain people in life you just have to argue with. When it comes to particular arcade rides at Disney, we almost always argue. Two competitive spirits in one car trying to vie for the top spot can get messy. But he taught me, you don’t always have to be right. You don’t always have to win. You sometimes have to argue, but you don’t always have to come out on top. 

Quotes are funny. You sometimes find one on accident, and realize how perfect they are for current events in your life. This one fit mine to the t. I started out this past summer thinking this person, this one guy would be my one. That we could give each other the gifts of compassion, empathy, joy, sympathy, company, time, effort, and love that come with a true relationship with one another. But that didn’t work out. Because we aren’t perfect for each other, because there’s no such thing as perfection found through people on this screwed up earth. However, there are perfect moments, like when you get chosen as a background actor in the Indiana Jones show, or lie on the beach in the sand just getting to know each other, or seeing Space Mountain with the lights on. These are the moments I live for. And this summer, a lot of them included him… Included you. And I’m ever so grateful for that.

He wasn’t perfect for me, but he’s part of my perfect moments. 

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Pain is everywhere 

Charlie: There is so much pain. And I-I-I don’t know how to not notice it.
Dr. Burton: What’s hurting you?Charlie: No, not… not me. It’s them! It’s… it’s everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?

I want to be a social worker when I grow up. Those words never left my mouth as a kid, however, teacher, doctor, nurse, and dishwasher (yes the appliance) did. As you can gather, there is a theme  going with these professions.  I am going to be a social worker a year from now, and that scares me. That’s probably because I feel the pain of others and don’t know how to stop it. I’d much rather face the hurt in others, and the hurt in myself. Feelings are scary. How can I help people if I don’t understand mine. Right? I guess it’s time to give myself permission; to turn it off and feel what’s inside. To know that in my profession there’ll be people will hurt and I will do everything in my power to stop it. But that may not be enough. And that’s OK. Because I’m here to help them with their burdens , not to take them on. 

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December 31st,2015

Sometimes I get real creative late at night. Happy New Year

 

Source: December 31st,2015

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I’m tired

Recently, I was approached by someone very important in my life and was asked if they could do a guest post here on my blog. The following is written by them.


 

“I’m tired.”

“For the past few months, I’ve been battling a war that seems to have no end. I feel like I’ve failed, but there’s no emotion to describe what that feeling is other than numbness. I feel like the ones I love are going to up and leave at any moment and they have every right to. I’m afraid to get close to people, because in the end you end up with a heart crushing good bye. I look back and see who I once was, and that just makes it worse because I feel like I’ve lost myself.

I’ve been afraid to tell people. After all, I’m supposed to be stronger than this, I’m supposed to be happy. I haven’t had anything traumatic happen to me, so why should I be in this state? Why am I not strong enough to fight this? It’s selfish to be feeling this way when I know people who have been through much worse than me.”

It just seemed easier to shut down. To, sleep. To, ignore reality. To, in all honesty, quit.

Depression is scary not because your sad, but because you can’t feel. Because you know you aren’t okay, but there’s no true reason. It can be frustrating on those you love and you know that, so you want to keep to yourself even more. But the thing is, it’s okay to need people. It’s okay to let them in; it’s okay to not be okay.

I don’t think I’ve fully embraced this concept, but I want to share how it’s helped in some ways.

Over the summer, I spent my first few weeks back home sleeping all day, crying, not eating. You know, just existing. Until one day, I’d had enough. I knew the one person I could go to was my mom, not because she has the answer to everything, but because she’s a listener, and a hugger, and you just get the feeling that everything will be okay even when it’s not okay. She didn’t tell me it was in my head, that I was strong enough to beat this. She didn’t ask for an explanation as to why I was sad. She just listened. And she hugged me and said, “I love you.” And though I didn’t feel anything, I knew it was true. And I told myself that every morning.

Another person I reached out to was my best friend. She could empathize with me and knew that I didn’t need a lecture, just a friend. I’d go to her house and cry, or sleep, or watch a movie. She’d ask what I wanted to do, I’d say nothing, and she’d say okay and we’d sit in silence for hours. I treasured that silence more than any therapy session I sat through.

Together, we made a plan. I wrote what I liked about myself, even though I didn’t really like myself at the time. I wrote what activities I enjoyed doing the most, and though it seemed overwhelming, I made a promise to them and myself to try.

I let myself be weak, and allowed the strength of my family and best friend to carry me.

The summer went on, and with each day, I began to be better. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t annoyed. But I was okay. I started singing again, I began painting. I made that half hour drive to the bookstore and got Starbucks on the way home. I allowed myself to dream,, and get excited for what was to come. I began to go outside more. There were mornings I didn’t want to wake up, there were mornings when the darkness overwhelmed me and I knew for that day, I’d have to stay put and rest. But I didn’t have to be alone when those days came. I couldn’t be, even when I wanted to.

I don’t want to go into the details of why I became depressed, because that’s not important and I honestly can’t pinpoint what triggered it. But this one thing I do know: I’m living with it one day at a time; slowly breathing in and out. Allowing myself to live even though it scares me. So, I’m hoping maybe I can help you understand that it doesn’t get easier, that you can’t will yourself out of depression, but it can get better. You’ve just got to be willing to let better happen.

If I can help you understand anything, I want it to be this: you are not your depression. It doesn’t define you, it doesn’t make you who you are. It doesn’t mean you’re incompetent, it doesn’t mean you aren’t loveable, it doesn’t mean you’re an attention seeker. I want you to know that it’s okay to not be strong all the time, it’s okay to let others love you, it’s okay to be upset, but it’s also okay to allow yourself to heal.”

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Dear reader…

I wrote this for the readers of the To Write Love on Her Arms at UCF blog. I hope you can find hope and strength in its words.

To Write Love on Her Arms at UCF

I want you to know that I’m glad you exist. I’m glad you’re here to breathe the air, to play in the grass and dance in the rain. I’m glad you’re here to read my words. I hope it encourages you as much as it encouraged me as I wrote it.

The struggle is real. This I know. I know that some days it’s hard to wake up. To carry on. To find hope in the mundane. But keep pushing on. It will get better. It has to. Keep the faith in the hard times. The struggle means that a plot twist is on it’s way and it’ll get better soon.

I want you to know that you are important. Even on days that you hate what you’re wearing, feel bloated, ugly, useless, worthless, like a nuisance, you are still one of kind. You are loved. No one else can…

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❤️ Proverbs 4:23 ❤️

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I’d like to think that I’m self aware. I know that I’m one to love and love hard. I’ve been that way since I was 3. As the years passed by, I became harder on myself and stuck to my list … Or at least tried to. The list is just that, a list of attributed that I want to find in not only a boyfriend, but in my future husband.
Now this list is personal so don’t expect me to post it anytime soon, but it is in no way superficial. And for the first time since I made the first draft of my list, I feel like I’ve found someone that has these traits. He has the things that currently at age 20 I want in a lifelong partner.
All of this is terrifying. Being in love is terrifying. I mean, how can you even tell if it is love? Is there a test? Could you let me know? I’d rather find an exit strategy than a way to find out how he feels about me at least that way I’m able to better protect my heart, and that’s the most important part, as awesome as love is.
There’s a reason I had Proverbs 4:23 inscribed in my class ring in high school.

Guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life.

As much as I have always loved love, it’s more important to keep your heart safe.

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Deal with the feels

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I feel that expressionism is one of the most important lessons that should be taught. The earlier the better too. That’s something that isn’t instilled in children, especially little boys.
I was a sensitive kid growing up. Tears were my best friend, be it in school, at home, or at dance class. If I felt my emotions, then I let them be known. But not many people seemed to be like that. In fact, from what I can remember, none of the kids in my class expressed publicly, the way I did.
Now, some of you might be thinking that I believe and radical new age parenting and “time-outs”. Others see that I’m young and not a mom, so what experience could I possibly have? Well trust me, I’m a firm nonbeliever when it comes to timeouts, not corporal punishment, but I was spanked and I’m relatively fine!
However, I do remember vividly, times where I was at a loss for words to describe how I felt. We need to teach kids early on that it’s okay to be happy, sad, or mad, because it’s how we deal with these feels that is truly important. We can mean mad at Jack when he steals the block from Tristan, but we can’t hit to cause pain for retaliation. You don’t have to hold in tears and fluffy guys, because feelings are vital. They’re what makes us human. If you are a parent, or wishing to be one, I encourage you to encourage your children to embrace what they feel and teach them how to cope. 20140715-133129-48689150.jpg

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